Everything was too late, but what can i do about it?
Things are sort of going well recently, i passed my physic(like finally~!) and i got 14/16 for my e-maths test. Passed 2.4km, so expecting a bronze for my NAPFA(; and i passed my first round of choir audition with nice praise from ms angila, she praised that my voice is the voice that she is looking for(: Although everything went well, but i still find something missing in me..
I started going to IMVU again, but nothing feels the same anymore. I do chat with a few guys but they just can't replace you at all :( I tried! I seriously, fcking tried my best to kick you out of my mind! But i just can't! I feel so screwed up, even with so much achievements! I just can't smile and enjoy the sense of achievement and success. I can't anymore, with you gone from my life. Even after the praise i got from ms angila, the applause everyone gave, i was falling into a daze until jacqueline shouted my name. What was in my mind was your face, i was thinking about your reaction when i told you about what i had achieve. I really wasn't desperate to want you back because i need a companion. Even with sweetie, babe and girl with me, i still want you, i want you in my life. ASHY is important to me, as well as you.
I deleted your messages, it was so hard to mark all and press the delete button, but i did it. I deleted our msn chat history. Every of this deleting things is like cutting off a part of my heart.. It hurts and bleed so much, yet i must do it.. I don't dare to bring up that topic to you anymore, I'm scared that you will flared and that it will spoil your day. As much as you want me to be happy, i want you to be happy too. I delete them so i won't see and think of you, think of the past. But those memories in my brain, are engraved deeply, no matter how hard i tried to cover them up, they are still there.
The moment of intimation, the moment of care and concern, the moment of emoing, the moment you lean so close, the moment of us just sitting there doing nothing yet feeling so sweet&blessed. Every single details just became clearer as the day goes by. It should have fade... why is it getting clearer..
Boy, have you forgotten about all these memories already? The best day of your life, i created it. The worse day of your life, i caused it. If only i can redo everything and amend my mistakes, i'm willing to exchange this chance with anything i had. I'm willing to exchange it with everything, becuz you meant so much to me. I know your love for me won't burning like the scorching hot sun, but my luv for you will, and will always be. 8billion people in the world, and i only want you~
The more i look at the choir now, the more i'm sure that i will and definately will go to NP LinkaGe. Every moment in this choir made me miss the choir in the past, when it is still lead and conducted by Mr Goh & Mr Yiong. And every seconds in the choir, juz made me more sure of my goal of getting into NP LinkaGe.
My reasons for going to NP LinkaGe`- The conductor that i adore a lot conducts that group
`- Joining an a cappella choir will be able to bring my singing to a whole new level
`- I don't want to sing classical for the rest of my life, i want to try pop songs too
`- I miss listening to the different life stories told by Mr Goh
`- Mr Goh is serious with pop, so i guess he will be a good conductor(:
So now i have found all both my main goals(: Since many said i'm craft out to sing plus i really luv singing and expressing/venting my feelings through singing. Hence, LinkaGe will be my next goal after i graduate from secondary, and i hope after LinkaGe, i will be able to go into Symphony Chamber Choir(Mr Yiong's choir)xP
Veterinary is another one, but i guess i can't be a full-fletched vet le :/
Don't want to make daddy fork out another sum of money just to let me go oversea for further studies that's required to be a vet. Juz hope all these will be able to give me a nice pay in th future and let daddy mummy live well(:
Hadi Abdul if you happen to see this, help me tell nursila what i wrote here.
Ms Nursila,
I don't blame you for calling me immature and childish, because you don't understand, to be exact, you don't even know me in the first place. Yes, you might have know
part of me, from how hadi has described it. But that don't give you the rights, neither the reasons to judge my character. If the way i care for my boyfriend, and the way i love him to you is childish and an act of immaturity, i don't know what to say either. In love, there's no right or wrong. You have your way and your style to love a person, by only chatting with him once a week and don't mind about it, i don't. In my game of luv, my rule is simple and sweet, there's only six words "I need you to need me" that's all. I can't imagine how do you nurture romance our of one a chat once a week. (You judged me in the first place, so here i am giving you my judgement). I'm not trying to say that the way i luv him was right, i clearly know i had made plenty of mistakes! But sad to say, i realised it too late. If he want to give you that chance to stead with him, i've got nothing to say, but give your my blessing followed by a cursing. I would have gave your my deep felt blessing if you hadn't judged me. I don't mind being judged and tell my flaws, but i hate it when people judge me just by what others have said and not by observing it themselves.
He said that you're mature, super mature that kind. Hadi, you hate my friend badmouthing you to me, i hate it equally when your friend does it! I don't talk back to your accusation doesn't means that i'm weak or speechless to admit my mistakes. I just don't want to end up quarreling. Call me desperate for all you want, i won't deny that fact. Yes, i am desperate to get you back. You said i smile smile when you ask for break up then ask you back, what do i want. Let me tell you, read my blog post on
14july. I agree to that break up cuz you said you really wanted to let go, i smiled becuz i don't wish you feel bad or guilty. I knew letting go was wrong... If only i had clung on.. FMS!
Lastly, thanks for your accusation and scolding and all those misunderstandings. I'm of no place to ask you back to my side anymore. I can't. Cuz i don't dare. And i am no longer qualified to be your girlf anymore. I can't bring you happiness, only unhappiness. But i guess nursila can. I really luv you.. but no matter what i said or do to try to prove it, you find them as craps. I'm no longer myself anymore, will not be and never will be.
You're like air, no matter how hard i try to catch, when i open my hand to see, there will always be nothing. You're like water, no matter how much i've caught, you will still slip through my hands..
I really luv you, always will be. I promised to wait, so i won't date.
