HAHA! Horny bastard! I said i luv surprises, but i actually expecting it from him 5mths later ><
mm, but still, thanks for buying me the ticket to watch Blood Pledge though i didn't managed to watch it with you, cuz promised to watch Inception with bestfs le(: You know i kept thinking of him giving me a surprise after 5months, and we couple back. I kept thinking of the same surprise, clearly knowing that it will be impossible :/ And now he seems like he don't want me anymore :(
Haish, maybe like you said i know how to trust, but i seriously need to learn how to trust him fully. How to? When i used to trust everyone fully and all i get back was betrayal?! It was slowly that i realised no one is worth my trust anymore. Until he appear. Then i realised that without my trust it hurts him :(
I start to regret agree to let go... We drift more and more.. Below are some words i kept in my heart for a period of time already, i want to say it out but i don't want you know, so i shall say in chinese.
我很后悔和你分手， 可是我又有一种感觉这个选择是对的.. 我该怎么办？
每次想起我们的回忆，我的心都会很痛。
我好想你，你知道吗？
Finally this torturous day is going to end..
14July.. It was supposed to be our 3rd month and we should be celebrating it, but today, writing the date was so hard, i keep tremble whenever i write this date on my worksheets. But still i got to a conclusion, i'm letting you go now. Read properly, is
now. I want my baby boy back in the future, 5 months later, a happy boy. By then, hopefully i'm more matured, and won't bring you tears anymore. 5 months, i'm willing to wait, i can promise you my feelings will not fade, but i'm not sure about yours.
Boy, do you remember? Some day before our 2nd month we had a quarrel, that time you keep wanted to let go of me, and we made a promise. I said i will let you have a period of time to stabilize your poly life, and within this period i won't contact you/pester you. I tried my best to recall how you replied to that, but i can't.. Somehow you rejected that idea i guess? But this time, i don't know.. Maybe you really don't want me le, but i chose to lie to myself that this time will be just like that promise, we will be back after your exam..
I want to see you smile for real this time round, not feeling guilty anymore. I guess i really don't have time to mourn over this break up stuff le.. i wanted to cry, but tears couldn't come out.. Tomorrow will be the choir audition to select people to take part in the ABRSM. ABRSM and SYFCJ is what all singers will want to participate in, i am no exceptional, i want to take part, and i don't want to be rejected in the first round of audition.
[11:40pm] I will do well for the next 5 months ahead, just like how you will(:
I want to protect you. But how, when i am so scarred?
I meant it from the bottom of my heart when i said i want to protect you from all the misery, pain and despair. But i don't know which way i should go. Am i giving you long term misery by being together with you? Will the misery becomes short term if i take leave? I wanted to post something, but decided not to after re-reading our conversation for the 3rd time. I realised by hiding something from someone really can make that particular person you wanted to protect to feel better. For example, you hide the fact that you feel bad on our first date, if you had told me, i will had feel so guilty(which is what i am feeling right now). That was meant to serve as a joke, but i guess since that was our first date you can't read my mind well, and you took it to heart, i'm sorry about that :(
For the 1000 times i asked myself for the day, should i set you free? I really loved you with my heart and soul, hence i don't want to see you so sad. I could no longer give you any happiness, do you still want me? All i can provide you is pain and misery, i can no longer maintain the innocent, angelic impression in your heart anymore. The yee ying now is only a devil, a bad girl that you should distant from. I told myself to let go of you, set you free and let you find a better girlf to replace me. But my heart longs to hold on to you for every single second that it can. Le amo para siempre is not from the mouth, it's meant to say from the bottom of the heart and be kept in the bottom of the heart of the other person.
I'm still keeping my promise for you, which is i won't breathe a word to you that i had cried or what so ever. But sorry that i broke one of it :( which is i still can't be mature enough to understand you thoroughly. I tried too hard to cling on to this relationship that it's hurting you like hell. Maybe i should tell you this.. If you want to leave i won't stop you, neither will i stand in your way. Cux i can never ever bring myself to say break up. When never i think of breaking up, i think of the day in pageone, the face you had when i said those nasty things... When i think of breaking up, i can't help but think how my life will be like, when it's without you, like my of my previous post had mentioned, it will be no way better than now. I don't dare to think about breaking up, cux it hurts a lot. I don't like crying, cux my eyes are sensitive to tears, but my heart is just so weak that it cause my eyes to shed tears whenever it feels sad. Sorry that my blog posts are always so pessimistic.
To those who had happened to pass by this blog, erm, yea, dancing-dreamsinthe-dawn.blogspot.com used to be my blog, but i guess i grew tired of that blog, i still prefer this one to it. Simply cux, i luv this blog's add, suits me better than dancing dreams. I wanted to answer what majority had asked about, which regards to why i call it dancing dreams in the dawn. But i jux don't feel like discussing about it now. So yea, will probably post about it in the next post. Hopefully tomorrow. Last but not least, hope spain wins later on match(: So baby can win lot and lots of money xP and also i feel the same as li hao, i believe that spain will win holland with a score, 2-1~! <3
Yes i admit i feel guilty about what i had done yesterday..
But i already said i won't apologise to you this time round. What i said wasn't wrong at all. I won't deny that i'm in the wrong too for dampening your spirit and kicking up a big fuss over such small matter. But that doesn't mean what i said was wrong. You could have told me you want to spend some precious time with your pals, as it's a rare opportunity. I would have understand that. You asked me to go sleep is like chasing me off like that...
I can never forget what you told me.. "so if all you get is sadness and despair why the fuck you still with me?!" since last night you stay this, it keep replaying like a spoiled recording inside my mind. I don't know why i so concerned about this sentence. At first i thought it is the vulgar in the sentence, but then i think about it thoroughly.. Is not. I do mind when you use vulgar on me, but that's only 10% of why i mind. The other 90% is cux, i really want be with you. With you is not all sadness and despair that i got, i have tons of happiness too. But i believe you are the one getting tons and tons of unhappiness from a suckish girlf like me.. First, suspicion. Second, moodswings. Third, mood-spoiler. Did you even get happiness from me? I'm such a failure. I told cia how bad i felt, but i don't want to say sorry. I don't want to admit i was in the wrong. I'm sick and tired of always.. crawling to your feet and begging for forgiveness.. Cia, thank you for spending your whole recess to accompany me to emo, and spending time to think of what to say to console me. I'm fine. Juz that i'm too stubborn. I don't know what to say about this anymore.
Today physic practical, fun. Understand better through practical than theory. yea, that's all.
I do have the time to text you.
It's not like I'm damn busy.
But you used to text me first you remember?
I LIKED it when you start the conversation and not always me starting it.
If you find me, no matter how busy i am, i will also gave up all my work to chat with you. I don't mind giving you all my 24hours.
Haish, i seriously don't know what the fxxx is wrong with me, when i can't contact you..
I flare talking to anyone.
Gonna go sleep, 5hours of sleep, hope enough lohx.
I think i must be going crazy.
Finished my work, and doing extra.
Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo not like me at all..
Maybe when one wants to run away from fear and stress, will in another way, stress herself with work.
That's the freaking thing i am doing now.
Had only 3hours of sleep yesterday, yet it feels like i didn't sleep at all :/
But today i wasn't sleepy at all.
Instead i just keep trying to keep myself busy, so yea.. i won't have time to think of.. Him..
FML.
I pretended that i can live w/o your messages, but today, I'm feel so suffocating w/o texting you, or talking to you on msn.. I saw you in facebook, and all the fxxx i can do is to.. i don't know, why can't the stupid suffocating sensation just leave me alone?
Stupid me.
Stupid life.
Smoked. Shioked.
When I'm gone from your life, will you regret or rejoice?
Was I a good girlf?
I hope i was..
I hope when i am gone, you are smiling.
I hope when i am gone, you are rejoicing.
I hope when i am gone, you are happy.
I hope when i am gone, you are still feeling the same.
I hope when i am gone, you still continues your life like how it should be.
I hope when i am gone, you are not depress.
I hope.. I hope..
How noble all the above are..
But deep down i actually hope
these ways..
I hope when i am gone, you are sad over my departure.
I hope when i am gone, you woke up in the middle of the night, missing me.
I hope when i am gone, you dreamt about me when you sleep.
I hope when i am gone, you feel depress over it.
I hope when i am gone, the smile on the face becomes a fake one.
I hope when i am gone, your life becomes a mess.
I hope when i am gone, you miss my presence every single second.
Though the second "hoping" is very selfish, but, which girl won't want it like that? Which girl won't hope that the boy miss her when she's gone from his life? There's a lot of things i hoped, but it's only a fantasy...
Actually, i just hope you are happy every moment, your sadness breaks my heart, I don't know since when i fall in luv with you.. When you were always there for me when i am sad, happy, angry, emoing, crying, laughing, smiling, blushing and all my other emotions, you were there to share with me. When i am have success in choir you were there to share the joy with me, when i can't finish writing my english mid-year paper you were there to worry with me, when i was being accused by mummy, you were there to feel frustrated with me, every moment you were there with me. But, why are we drifting now? :(
Do you know I hate the me i am now?
Do you know I hate putting up fake smiles when I'm actually crying behind the screen?
Can you still feel it when i cry?
Can you still feel it after i put extremely lots of smilies in msn when i cried?
I acted, like a fool, in exchange of your smile and happiness.
I never regret to act like a professional in front of you, it feels silly to me, but as long as the prize is your smile, everything is worth it.
You hate the feeling of guiltiness, i hate it as much too, when i know my sadness make you guilty i feel guilty too! Cux.. Never once did it crossed my mind that i want to make you sad/guilty/unhappy. Do you still remember the first time we meet? The time we went to vivo? When nutnut and arull is behind us and we are facing the window on the seat? Remember we both cried(you were holding back your tears)? That was the first time i feel your sadness baby. That time i was puzzled, why is there an aching feeling in my heart when i see you so sad. My brain can't remember things well baby, but i had always remember how sad you look back then, and it was because of what i said :/
Whenever i walk back home from school, i remember when we used to met there once, and you were so tired, furthermore i didn't even allow you to touch me at all. When i walk back home now, i remember that time when you walked me home, all you asked from me was a teddy bear hug, and i didn't gave you, I'm really a bad girlf right?
Do you remember the songs i dedicated to you, and the two songs i sent you?
Here's one more, i just hope you like it(:
Victoria Acosta - Could this be love
Wake up this morning,
just sat in my bed.
8a.m first thing in my head,
is a certain someone, who's always on my mind.
He treats me like a lady in every way,
he smiles and warms me through out the day.
Should i tell him "i love you"?
Wish i knew how to say~
[Chorus]
Could this be love that i feel?
So strong, so deep and so real.
If i lost you would i ever heal?
Could this be love that i feel?
Could this be love that i feel?
So strong, so deep and so real.
If i lost you would i ever heal?
Could this be love that i feel?
The way he looks,
so deep in my eyes.
Our hearts so warm,
I just want cry.
And he's so hardworking,
he wants to be someone.
Should I tell him that "i love you"?
What if he doesn't says it too?
I'm getting nervous, what should i do?
[Chorus]
Could this be love that i feel?
So strong, so deep and so real.
If i lost you would i ever heal?
Could this be love that i feel?
Could this be love that i feel?
So strong, so deep and so real.
If i lost you would i ever heal?
Could this be love that i feel?
Will it be my turn?
Two hearts beating together as one.
No more loneliness.
Only love, laughter and fun.
[Chorus]
Could this be love that i feel?
So strong, so deep and so real.
If i lost you would i ever heal?
Could this be love that i feel?
Could this be love that i feel?
So strong, so deep and so real.
If i lost you would i ever heal?
Could this be love that i feel?
Could this be love that i feel?
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That's all for the 3rd song dedication. Three months, three songs dedication, every time to tell a different message(;
Do you remember that two days when we were sitting at woodlands cc?
The same two times that i suddenly became emo? Millions of thoughts were going through my mind, but the first time, i just tell you i was too tired hence throwing a temper, surprisingly you believed my "lie". Don't be angry with me for lying, cux i don't want you to be sad again..
The second time, you made the face and i laughed it off, you're really cute(:
But i actually hope you forced me say out what was in my mind :/
Remember 3rd July i hugged you when you came? Not jux cux i miss you, but also cux i scared i will lose you ><
