Everything was too late, but what can i do about it?
Things are sort of going well recently, i passed my physic(like finally~!) and i got 14/16 for my e-maths test. Passed 2.4km, so expecting a bronze for my NAPFA(; and i passed my first round of choir audition with nice praise from ms angila, she praised that my voice is the voice that she is looking for(: Although everything went well, but i still find something missing in me..
I started going to IMVU again, but nothing feels the same anymore. I do chat with a few guys but they just can't replace you at all :( I tried! I seriously, fcking tried my best to kick you out of my mind! But i just can't! I feel so screwed up, even with so much achievements! I just can't smile and enjoy the sense of achievement and success. I can't anymore, with you gone from my life. Even after the praise i got from ms angila, the applause everyone gave, i was falling into a daze until jacqueline shouted my name. What was in my mind was your face, i was thinking about your reaction when i told you about what i had achieve. I really wasn't desperate to want you back because i need a companion. Even with sweetie, babe and girl with me, i still want you, i want you in my life. ASHY is important to me, as well as you.
I deleted your messages, it was so hard to mark all and press the delete button, but i did it. I deleted our msn chat history. Every of this deleting things is like cutting off a part of my heart.. It hurts and bleed so much, yet i must do it.. I don't dare to bring up that topic to you anymore, I'm scared that you will flared and that it will spoil your day. As much as you want me to be happy, i want you to be happy too. I delete them so i won't see and think of you, think of the past. But those memories in my brain, are engraved deeply, no matter how hard i tried to cover them up, they are still there.
The moment of intimation, the moment of care and concern, the moment of emoing, the moment you lean so close, the moment of us just sitting there doing nothing yet feeling so sweet&blessed. Every single details just became clearer as the day goes by. It should have fade... why is it getting clearer..
Boy, have you forgotten about all these memories already? The best day of your life, i created it. The worse day of your life, i caused it. If only i can redo everything and amend my mistakes, i'm willing to exchange this chance with anything i had. I'm willing to exchange it with everything, becuz you meant so much to me. I know your love for me won't burning like the scorching hot sun, but my luv for you will, and will always be. 8billion people in the world, and i only want you~
The more i look at the choir now, the more i'm sure that i will and definately will go to NP LinkaGe. Every moment in this choir made me miss the choir in the past, when it is still lead and conducted by Mr Goh & Mr Yiong. And every seconds in the choir, juz made me more sure of my goal of getting into NP LinkaGe.
My reasons for going to NP LinkaGe`- The conductor that i adore a lot conducts that group
`- Joining an a cappella choir will be able to bring my singing to a whole new level
`- I don't want to sing classical for the rest of my life, i want to try pop songs too
`- I miss listening to the different life stories told by Mr Goh
`- Mr Goh is serious with pop, so i guess he will be a good conductor(:
So now i have found all both my main goals(: Since many said i'm craft out to sing plus i really luv singing and expressing/venting my feelings through singing. Hence, LinkaGe will be my next goal after i graduate from secondary, and i hope after LinkaGe, i will be able to go into Symphony Chamber Choir(Mr Yiong's choir)xP
Veterinary is another one, but i guess i can't be a full-fletched vet le :/
Don't want to make daddy fork out another sum of money just to let me go oversea for further studies that's required to be a vet. Juz hope all these will be able to give me a nice pay in th future and let daddy mummy live well(:
Hadi Abdul if you happen to see this, help me tell nursila what i wrote here.
Ms Nursila,
I don't blame you for calling me immature and childish, because you don't understand, to be exact, you don't even know me in the first place. Yes, you might have know
part of me, from how hadi has described it. But that don't give you the rights, neither the reasons to judge my character. If the way i care for my boyfriend, and the way i love him to you is childish and an act of immaturity, i don't know what to say either. In love, there's no right or wrong. You have your way and your style to love a person, by only chatting with him once a week and don't mind about it, i don't. In my game of luv, my rule is simple and sweet, there's only six words "I need you to need me" that's all. I can't imagine how do you nurture romance our of one a chat once a week. (You judged me in the first place, so here i am giving you my judgement). I'm not trying to say that the way i luv him was right, i clearly know i had made plenty of mistakes! But sad to say, i realised it too late. If he want to give you that chance to stead with him, i've got nothing to say, but give your my blessing followed by a cursing. I would have gave your my deep felt blessing if you hadn't judged me. I don't mind being judged and tell my flaws, but i hate it when people judge me just by what others have said and not by observing it themselves.
He said that you're mature, super mature that kind. Hadi, you hate my friend badmouthing you to me, i hate it equally when your friend does it! I don't talk back to your accusation doesn't means that i'm weak or speechless to admit my mistakes. I just don't want to end up quarreling. Call me desperate for all you want, i won't deny that fact. Yes, i am desperate to get you back. You said i smile smile when you ask for break up then ask you back, what do i want. Let me tell you, read my blog post on
14july. I agree to that break up cuz you said you really wanted to let go, i smiled becuz i don't wish you feel bad or guilty. I knew letting go was wrong... If only i had clung on.. FMS!
Lastly, thanks for your accusation and scolding and all those misunderstandings. I'm of no place to ask you back to my side anymore. I can't. Cuz i don't dare. And i am no longer qualified to be your girlf anymore. I can't bring you happiness, only unhappiness. But i guess nursila can. I really luv you.. but no matter what i said or do to try to prove it, you find them as craps. I'm no longer myself anymore, will not be and never will be.
You're like air, no matter how hard i try to catch, when i open my hand to see, there will always be nothing. You're like water, no matter how much i've caught, you will still slip through my hands..
I really luv you, always will be. I promised to wait, so i won't date.
HAHA! Horny bastard! I said i luv surprises, but i actually expecting it from him 5mths later ><
mm, but still, thanks for buying me the ticket to watch Blood Pledge though i didn't managed to watch it with you, cuz promised to watch Inception with bestfs le(: You know i kept thinking of him giving me a surprise after 5months, and we couple back. I kept thinking of the same surprise, clearly knowing that it will be impossible :/ And now he seems like he don't want me anymore :(
Haish, maybe like you said i know how to trust, but i seriously need to learn how to trust him fully. How to? When i used to trust everyone fully and all i get back was betrayal?! It was slowly that i realised no one is worth my trust anymore. Until he appear. Then i realised that without my trust it hurts him :(
I start to regret agree to let go... We drift more and more.. Below are some words i kept in my heart for a period of time already, i want to say it out but i don't want you know, so i shall say in chinese.
我很后悔和你分手， 可是我又有一种感觉这个选择是对的.. 我该怎么办？
每次想起我们的回忆，我的心都会很痛。
我好想你，你知道吗？
Finally this torturous day is going to end..
14July.. It was supposed to be our 3rd month and we should be celebrating it, but today, writing the date was so hard, i keep tremble whenever i write this date on my worksheets. But still i got to a conclusion, i'm letting you go now. Read properly, is
now. I want my baby boy back in the future, 5 months later, a happy boy. By then, hopefully i'm more matured, and won't bring you tears anymore. 5 months, i'm willing to wait, i can promise you my feelings will not fade, but i'm not sure about yours.
Boy, do you remember? Some day before our 2nd month we had a quarrel, that time you keep wanted to let go of me, and we made a promise. I said i will let you have a period of time to stabilize your poly life, and within this period i won't contact you/pester you. I tried my best to recall how you replied to that, but i can't.. Somehow you rejected that idea i guess? But this time, i don't know.. Maybe you really don't want me le, but i chose to lie to myself that this time will be just like that promise, we will be back after your exam..
I want to see you smile for real this time round, not feeling guilty anymore. I guess i really don't have time to mourn over this break up stuff le.. i wanted to cry, but tears couldn't come out.. Tomorrow will be the choir audition to select people to take part in the ABRSM. ABRSM and SYFCJ is what all singers will want to participate in, i am no exceptional, i want to take part, and i don't want to be rejected in the first round of audition.
[11:40pm] I will do well for the next 5 months ahead, just like how you will(:
I want to protect you. But how, when i am so scarred?
I meant it from the bottom of my heart when i said i want to protect you from all the misery, pain and despair. But i don't know which way i should go. Am i giving you long term misery by being together with you? Will the misery becomes short term if i take leave? I wanted to post something, but decided not to after re-reading our conversation for the 3rd time. I realised by hiding something from someone really can make that particular person you wanted to protect to feel better. For example, you hide the fact that you feel bad on our first date, if you had told me, i will had feel so guilty(which is what i am feeling right now). That was meant to serve as a joke, but i guess since that was our first date you can't read my mind well, and you took it to heart, i'm sorry about that :(
For the 1000 times i asked myself for the day, should i set you free? I really loved you with my heart and soul, hence i don't want to see you so sad. I could no longer give you any happiness, do you still want me? All i can provide you is pain and misery, i can no longer maintain the innocent, angelic impression in your heart anymore. The yee ying now is only a devil, a bad girl that you should distant from. I told myself to let go of you, set you free and let you find a better girlf to replace me. But my heart longs to hold on to you for every single second that it can. Le amo para siempre is not from the mouth, it's meant to say from the bottom of the heart and be kept in the bottom of the heart of the other person.
I'm still keeping my promise for you, which is i won't breathe a word to you that i had cried or what so ever. But sorry that i broke one of it :( which is i still can't be mature enough to understand you thoroughly. I tried too hard to cling on to this relationship that it's hurting you like hell. Maybe i should tell you this.. If you want to leave i won't stop you, neither will i stand in your way. Cux i can never ever bring myself to say break up. When never i think of breaking up, i think of the day in pageone, the face you had when i said those nasty things... When i think of breaking up, i can't help but think how my life will be like, when it's without you, like my of my previous post had mentioned, it will be no way better than now. I don't dare to think about breaking up, cux it hurts a lot. I don't like crying, cux my eyes are sensitive to tears, but my heart is just so weak that it cause my eyes to shed tears whenever it feels sad. Sorry that my blog posts are always so pessimistic.
To those who had happened to pass by this blog, erm, yea, dancing-dreamsinthe-dawn.blogspot.com used to be my blog, but i guess i grew tired of that blog, i still prefer this one to it. Simply cux, i luv this blog's add, suits me better than dancing dreams. I wanted to answer what majority had asked about, which regards to why i call it dancing dreams in the dawn. But i jux don't feel like discussing about it now. So yea, will probably post about it in the next post. Hopefully tomorrow. Last but not least, hope spain wins later on match(: So baby can win lot and lots of money xP and also i feel the same as li hao, i believe that spain will win holland with a score, 2-1~! <3
Yes i admit i feel guilty about what i had done yesterday..
But i already said i won't apologise to you this time round. What i said wasn't wrong at all. I won't deny that i'm in the wrong too for dampening your spirit and kicking up a big fuss over such small matter. But that doesn't mean what i said was wrong. You could have told me you want to spend some precious time with your pals, as it's a rare opportunity. I would have understand that. You asked me to go sleep is like chasing me off like that...
I can never forget what you told me.. "so if all you get is sadness and despair why the fuck you still with me?!" since last night you stay this, it keep replaying like a spoiled recording inside my mind. I don't know why i so concerned about this sentence. At first i thought it is the vulgar in the sentence, but then i think about it thoroughly.. Is not. I do mind when you use vulgar on me, but that's only 10% of why i mind. The other 90% is cux, i really want be with you. With you is not all sadness and despair that i got, i have tons of happiness too. But i believe you are the one getting tons and tons of unhappiness from a suckish girlf like me.. First, suspicion. Second, moodswings. Third, mood-spoiler. Did you even get happiness from me? I'm such a failure. I told cia how bad i felt, but i don't want to say sorry. I don't want to admit i was in the wrong. I'm sick and tired of always.. crawling to your feet and begging for forgiveness.. Cia, thank you for spending your whole recess to accompany me to emo, and spending time to think of what to say to console me. I'm fine. Juz that i'm too stubborn. I don't know what to say about this anymore.
Today physic practical, fun. Understand better through practical than theory. yea, that's all.
